Their Secret
by kirstencohen
Summary: Nobody knew. She had made sure of that.
1. He missed Her

**So I'm gonna apologise to Emily and co in advance but I've wanted to write one of these properly for AGES! So yeh sorry.**

**But for all you who like the angst enjoy!**

Chapter 1

He lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

Two weeks.

Fourteen days.

Three hundred and thirty six hours.

Twenty thousand one hundred and sixty minutes.

He missed her. Never been apart for longer than a few days in the last two years. He missed her touch, her smell, her taste. He even missed her sideways glance as he said something filled with innuendo. He knew he had a long while to go. But he'd wait.

For her.

Two years it had gone on and no one had noticed. Not Sandy. Not Seth. Not Summer or Marissa. Or Julie or Jimmy or even Caleb when he was still here. Definitely not Lindsay. The fact that he was with Lindsay was bad enough without anyone finding out about this. Nobody knew. She had made sure of it. He reached for his wallet and slid out a photo from behind his school ID. He had found it when Seth was going through some old photo albums. He figured no one would notice its absence. He studied her face.

Clear blue eyes smiling at something out with the camera's view. He figured the something was probably Sandy. Her hair blew around her face in the wind coming off of the ocean. She was grinning widely her teeth gleaming in the sunlight. Her gold dress fitting snugly around her delicate frame. He remembered that day at the beach. He remembered peeking through the slats in the door as she dressed before she noticed him and dragged him into the room with her pulling at his shirt as she did so.

He missed her.

He wondered if she was thinking about him. She probably wasn't thinking at all. He had seen his mother go through it. He knew the process. She'd be in pain. Her body shivering uncontrollably. Her bones screaming in protest. She'd be screaming obscenities, lashing out at those who could help her most. But she didn't know that. She wanted the thing that put her there in the first place.

He realised from the first day he met her. She was an alcoholic. Borderline at first. He didn't know when it all changed. Perhaps when her dad died. Maybe even as far back as Lindsay but he said nothing. Who was he to judge her? He wanted to help but what could he do? He had a strong suspicion it all began when Carter left. He tried to fight his jealousy but she assured him he was a friend and nothing more. He didn't believe her. He dragged his thoughts back to the present and studied her face again. He sighed.

He really missed her.

* * *

**So it's obvious who it is but this is a fic made up of his memories of her. Please review EVEN IF YOU HATE IT! Because how am I gonna write what you want if you don't tell me? You all know who you are!**


	2. The First

**So this fic is basically gonna be made up of flashbacks between Ryan and Kirsten. Well I think so for now anyway might change my mind later lol.**

**Thanks for the reviews I really appreciate them. Remember to review even if you don't like it but no flaming please!**

**Enjoy**

Chapter 2

Ryan held the receiver firmly against his ear, "Hey," he said softly trying to ignore the two sets of eyes on him. The three of them sat around the kitchen island all taking turns to talk to her, "How you doing?"

"Shit." She admitted after a pause, "It's hard." Ryan nodded mutely not knowing what to say.

"Can you hold on a sec?" he asked her.

"Sure," she answered frowning. She heard him excuse himself politely and the sound of a clicking door followed, "Where are you? I only have like five minutes left. There's a queue."

"I'm in the pool house. Just wanted to talk to you alone." He said softly, "I miss you."

She sighed.

"I miss you too." She whispered, "I can't wait to get home." Ryan closed his eyes and dipped his head savouring the sound of her voice.

"I can't stop thinking about you. I mean… Kirsten… I…"

"I know. I'll be home soon though okay? I'm getting better." There was a pause and he heard Kirsten sigh heavily. He frowned. It sounded more like she was blowing her hair away from her face. Then it hit him.

"Are you smoking?" He said accusingly. Kirsten giggled.

"One addiction to another. At least it'll take longer to kill me… look Ryan I gotta go."

"Okay. I'll see you soon though right?"

"Yeah soon… bye."

_Ryan flicked through Seth's latest comic book. He was bored. After a second he gave up and threw it to the floor. The dim light from his bedside table made his eyes water. Just as he reached over to switch it off he heard a soft knock at the door. He checked his alarm. Eleven thirty. He frowned knowing it was probably Seth seeking to talk about the shooting again. "Come in," he called. As the door swung open he saw Kirsten standing in the doorway, "Hey Kirsten, how was your trip?" he said surprised to find her visiting him so late. She smiled and made her way through the door._

"_Yeah it was okay. Just wanted to say goodnight and to let you know I was home," she paused before settling down on the bed, "I heard about Luke. And your friend Donnie." Ryan opened his mouth to say something but she shook her head, "It's okay. Sandy told me. You work with him right?"_

"_Uh yeah. We weren't really friends. He crashed this party and… he had a gun."_

"_You were brave. Jumping in like that." As she said that she realised he must've witnessed shootings before, "I mean… weren't you scared?" Ryan curled his lip slightly. _

"_Yeah but you know… yeah I don't know. I guess it was just instinct." Kirsten nodded._

"_Well I just wanted to make sure you were okay." She said quietly. Ryan smiled._

"_Where's Sandy?" he asked noticing that the lights were out in the main house._

"_Uh work. I think I managed to get about ten minutes with him before his pager went off." She said chuckling, "So you and Marissa? On or off?"_

"_Off I think. She was here tonight but… with Luke in the hospital I think she kinda realised…" he trailed off and dipped his head not wanting her to see his disappointment. _

"_Well I'm gonna go to bed. So I'll see you in the morning." She said getting up from the bed. Ryan nodded and watched as she made her way across the patio and into the house. _

_He tried to push his thoughts of Kirsten out of his head. Shouldn't he be thinking about Marissa? He put his feelings down to his admiration. She had taken him in, given him a home. She was the wife of his new hero and he couldn't get her out of his mind. Everything about her was stored away in his head. The way her hips swayed as she walked. How she swirled her wine glass in her left hand after dinner. The way her hair draped her face early in the morning before she had a chance to style it. He decided that was when she was at her most beautiful._

_He checked his clock for the fifth time. Four twenty five. He pulled his sheet off his body and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He contemplated pulling on his sweats but it was a warm night and he knew no one would be up so he padded across the patio to the kitchen. He reached for the switch and filled the room with light. A small figure jumped startled at the kitchen table, "Ryan! You scared me!" she said clutching her chest. A glass of red wine stood in front of her. _

"_Sorry, I couldn't sleep." He said shielding his eyes as they adjusted to the light. _

"_Me either. I can't sleep if Sandy's not home." She said softly. She sat cross-legged on the chair in a pair or pink shorts and a matching vest. She unravelled her long legs and pushed her chair back allowing her enough space to step out from the table. Ryan frowned. Why wasn't Sandy home yet? "You want some juice or something?" she asked heading for the fridge._

"_Yeah that'd be good." He said quietly as he watched her reach up to the top shelf. Her top rode up revealing more flesh. She stood on her tiptoes accenting the muscles in her legs. She had killer legs. She turned and found him staring at her and she blushed. Ryan took the juice box from her grip still staring. He knew she knew he was looking but he could sense she liked it. She didn't move away. She didn't try and hide or make excuses to leave. Instead she moved towards him slowly. She trailed her hand along the breakfast bar and stopped a few feet from him. Kirsten dipped her head slightly before looking back up amused as she noticed the bulge in his boxers. He should've worn his sweats. His cheeks reddened and he looked away trying to compose himself but he felt her hand trace his arm up to his bicep and he looked back at her. Her eyes were filled with lust as he swooped down to brush his lips against hers. He could smell the liquor on her breath and she ran her lips across his own. Her left hand rested on his shoulder and her right ran up and down his chest slowly. He placed both hands on her hips and pulled him toward her as she opened her mouth allowing him to slide his tongue in gradually. _

_She tasted nicotine and coffee. His tongue swirled with her own as she lost herself in his touch. He pressed his throbbing groin into her hip and she kissed him more harshly pulling him down by the hair. She felt his hands run down her back and under her ass where he lifted her off her feet and onto the counter. It was strangely reminiscent of her evening with Sandy earlier. Before he left for work. Before they had a chance to greet each other properly. Before she was back in the same place and same position with her foster son. She pulled away suddenly and he looked at her confused. His hair stood up from where she had ran her hands through it before and his eyes were glazed over slightly. He leaned back in and placed butterfly kisses along her collarbone pausing only to lift her top over her head. She moaned and wrapped her legs around his waist pushing her hands into his boxers. "Ryan," she said breathlessly. He groaned as she pushed his boxers to the floor, "Is this…?" she asked, "Is this okay?" He curled his lip again and pulled her forcefully toward him._

"_What do you think?"_

Ryan smiled at the memory. She was so careful that first night. So afraid of pushing him too far. She didn't want him to feel like he had to or that she was taking advantage. She'd even visited him a few days later and apologised while both Sandy and Seth were out collecting dinner.

That's when it happened again. They had both elicited some strange looks when Seth and Sandy came home to find Kirsten's hair a little more dishevelled than usual and Ryan's beater on inside out. He chuckled as he tried to remember their excuse but it was long forgotten. He thought of her voice on the phone. She sounded strong at times but she had little moments of weakness. Her hesitations and pauses on the phone were enough to show that she was still having a hard time of it. Her voice cracked as she said goodbye to the three people she loved the most. Ryan wasn't only missing her as a lover. He wanted her back as a part of the family. The manor was eerily empty without her presence. It was as though it could never feel full again until her return. The doctors had estimated three months. So that was five weeks to go.

Five weeks.

Thirty-five days.

Eight hundred and forty hours.

Fifty thousand four hundred minutes.

He was still missing her.

**

* * *

**

**In case you didn't get that the flashback was set at the end of The Outsider. **

**Thanks for reading. Please review and tell me your thoughts**


	3. Taking A Dip

**Thanks for the reviews I really appreciate them. Remember to review even if you don't like it but no flaming please!**

**Enjoy**

Chapter 3

Ryan sat across from Sandy and Seth at the kitchen table. He looked up through hooded eyelids as they both chewed slowly on dry chicken. Ryan sighed. Seth used to be so full of life but now with Kirsten gone, Summer deciding she needed some time apart and his grandfather now six feet under it seemed he would never recover. Sandy never looked up from his plate as he moved the chicken around the potatoes to try and convince them both that he was still eating. It was then that Ryan realised Sandy was nothing without Kirsten. He knew he loved her but he never thought he would witness the fall of Sandy Cohen when she left for a few weeks with the certainty that she'd be back. He loved her more than anything. More than Ryan did. More than he ever could. He was crushed by a wave of guilt as he saw the sadness in his eyes. He looked lost, alone and most of all heartbroken. He needed Kirsten the same way his lungs needed air. He dipped his gaze refusing to look him in the eye. It wasn't the first time he had felt guilt like that. Every time Sandy talked about him as a part of the family or when he called him son he would wish it were true. He sometimes wished he really were a part of the family. That both Sandy and Kirsten considered him a son. But then she would flash her rare smile and he'd forget all that. He would forget that he was cheating on Sandy and Seth as much as Kirsten was because he _was_ part of the family. He had been accepted as a Cohen. He was thought of as the son of Sandy and Kirsten Cohen and the brother of Seth.

He made his excuses to leave and retreated to the pool house where he'd been spending a lot of time. Seth liked to stay in his room when he was home but he spent most of his time skateboarding by the pier or sailing the "Gimme Sex" since he hadn't had the chance to paint over it yet. Sandy liked to sit in the kitchen and pretend to read the newspaper or mull over some contracts that needed to be dealt with but his eyes were always glazed over and it was obvious he wasn't really concentrating. He was thinking of her. Of how much pain she could possibly be in at that exact moment. About whether or not she was well enough to call again or that she could think straight enough to wonder the same things about them.

Ryan looked at the date on his calendar.

Four weeks exactly.

Twenty-eight days.

Six hundred and seventy two hours.

Forty thousand three hundred and twenty minutes.

He prayed they wouldn't make it any longer.

_"It's unrealistic to set a specific date Mr Cohen. I'm approximating three months but it could be much longer than that."_

Ryan shook the memory out of his thoughts.

She'll be back.

She has to be.

They'd all lose their minds if she didn't come back soon. He sighed and rolled over onto his side remembering what it used to be like. When she would sneak home to see him before anyone would notice her car in the driveway.

_Ryan watched as Luke took her hand and pour his heart out, "…and just because I ruined everything it doesn't mean that I didn't love you because I did... I… I do." _

_Ryan had heard enough. She was going to take him back and he would be left looking like an idiot to think she could ever be interested in him. He wanted to punch the wall but couldn't risk Marissa hearing him. He swung the doors open and marched out to the quad. He unchained his bike and took off toward the beach. The one thing he loved about Newport was the beach. It was never empty but there was always somewhere you could find to be alone with your thoughts. Just as he turned a sharp corner he felt his cell vibrating on his hip. He stopped and pried it from his pocket smiling when he saw her name flashing in the screen. She'd help him forget about Marissa. _

"_Hey." He greeted still smiling. _

"_Hey. What are you doing now?" she asked. Ryan grinned wider._

"_Nothing. Why?"_

"_Well… I was thinking I have the afternoon off and Sandy's out with clients so…"_

"_Sounds good. Meet you in the pool house?"_

"_What about Seth?" she asked urgently. He could tell she was heading out of the office as they spoke._

"_He has a lot of comic books to catch up on. He's having some Seth time today." He laughed as he turned away from the beach. _

"_Okay I'll be home in ten." She said and flipped her phone closed. Ryan cycled straight back the way he came passing the school as he went. He didn't stop when he saw Seth waving from the comic book store with Anna at his side. When he neared the driveway he jumped off of his bike and noticed Kirsten's Range Rover in at the top. She had beaten him home .He rounded the side of the house and headed for the pool house wondering whether she was waiting for him already. He pulled open the door and found the pool house empty. He tried the bathroom and again found nothing. He frowned and checked his appearance in the mirror. His face was flushed red from his ride home and his hair stuck up on end. Just as he was about to turn around he felt someone placing their hands over his eyes. "Guess who?" a voice whispered softly into his ear. He smiled and went to move behind him but she lowered her hands and trailed them down his chest and behind his back. She ran her hands under shirt and lifted it over his head. He turned to look at her and found her in a black bikini. He looked at her in awe. "I was thinking of taking a dip." She smiled sexily. _

"_But Seth…" he started._

"_Just called me to say he was going to Anna's for dinner." Ryan grinned and lowered his head to meet her lips. She pressed herself flush to his body and coiled her leg around his thigh. He lifted her off the ground and she wrapped her legs around his waist allowing him to carry her out to the pool. He stopped next to the edge of the shallow end of the pool and placed her back on the ground. She climbed in slowly and shivered as the cold water lapped around her tiny frame. She watched as he quickly removed his boots. She stood impatiently in able to wait any longer as she pulled him into the icy water with his jeans still on. _

"_You do realise these will be harder to get off now they're wet?" he asked pulling her close._

"_Well I do like a challenge Mr Atwood." She answered grinning as she unbuttoned his jeans. They slid off surprisingly easily but before she could work on his boxers he pressed her against the side of the pool his arms on either side of her. She smirked and quickly ducked under his arms and swam in the opposite direction. He followed suit and pulled her quickly toward him by the foot. She laughed and ducked under the water soaking her hair and pulling back away from her face. She wrapped her legs around his waist and twirled them around in the water. She flung her head back and her hair fanned out behind her. She pulled back up and kissed him again .He reached behind her and tugged at the straps on her top before resuming to the shallow end._

He remembered how Marissa had shown up that night. And how stupid he felt when he remembered how he had reacted. The next night he found Kirsten in the hot tub with a glass of wine staring at the pool guiltily, Solomon Burke blasting through the speakers. He asked her what was wrong

"_Just thinking." She said sadly._

"_What about?"_

"_My life. Is this how it was supposed to be?" she asked no one in particular. Ryan shrugged._

_"I don't know Kirsten," he answered crestfallen. Kirsten noticed his expression and stood up from the water. She pulled him down and kissed him gently._

It was that night he decided to move on and try with Marissa. If only he'd known that Kirsten would pull him right back in and Marissa would let him down worse than he'd ever imagined.

He rolled onto his other side.

Four weeks.

She'd come home.

She'd be back.

He missed her too much for her not to.

Four weeks. 


	4. On The Sand

**Ok this chapter is a little bit more R than others but it's not bad.**

**Thanks for the reviews guys they're awesome.**

**Please review again!**

Chapter 4

Marissa perched herself on the edge of the bed and pulled her shirt over her head before zipping up her jeans. She lifted her shoes and turned to Ryan still lying naked under the sheets. She crawled toward him and settled her chin on his chest, "That was nice." She whispered. Ryan stroked her hair absentmindedly and sighed.

"Yeah." She reached up and kissed him slowly before pulling away and climbing off the bed.

"Curfew." She explained apologetically. Ryan nodded and made to move from under the sheets but Marissa shook her head, "It's fine I can see myself out."

She bent down and kissed him lightly on the forehead and tiptoed out across the patio and passed the open doors to Sandy and Kirsten's bedroom. She smiled as she remembered the giggles and laughter she used to hear coming from their room when she had snuck out those few times before. Sandy's booming laughter would more often than not be followed by a bang and a well timed "ouch" from Kirsten. Marissa shook the memory from her thoughts as she passed Sandy sipping a beer in the kitchen.

Ryan waited until Marissa was gone before pulling on his shorts.

Post-coital guilt.

It was always a certainty these days. Marissa would come over. They'd fuck. She leave and he'd be overcome with overwhelming guilt. Again.

He didn't want to think about Kirsten but he couldn't help it. Marissa was much taller than Kirsten but her frame was small and delicate like Kirsten's. Her hair was darker but with only the moonlight illuminating the room it could be blonde. But that was as far as it went in terms of similarities. Whereas Marissa was inexperienced and nervous Kirsten was confident and liked control. Normally he liked to be the one in charge but he was more than willing to surrender to Kirsten's demands. She pinned his arms above his head as she left kisses across his chest. She'd whisper orders in his ear to make sure she got what she wanted and he was happy to comply. On the other hand Marissa did what she was told. She needed guidance and even though he knew he could easily take the lead he wished she would take some initiative and throw him onto the bed and have her way with him. He laughed at his last thought. Marissa being direct and assertive wasn't a likely occurrence. He couldn't deny he loved Marissa. She was only eighteen and he didn't expect her to be as good in bed as a woman with a twenty-year head start but he began to resent her all the same. He used to be a gentle and considerate lover but now he blocked out the present and fantasised about the past not caring whether Marissa was enjoying herself. He didn't see her face anymore. His thoughts always travelled to Kirsten.

_Ryan kicked off his shoes and threw himself onto his back. The mattress shuddered under his weight and he sighed. He was starting to have doubts. Oliver was crazy and he had just left his girlfriend there to stay the night. He wouldn't hurt her would he? He shook that thought out of his mind realising that it was ridiculous. Oliver was in love with Marissa so it's not like he was gonna strange her in her sleep. It was just the Oliver debacle that was bothering him. He had begun to miss Kirsten. He and Marissa hadn't fought in a while and other than the Jimmy situation before Chrismukkah, Sandy and Kirsten had been having a good run. He missed her visit's after school when Seth was shacked up with Anna watching Batman and Sandy still at work. He figured they were both in too good a mood with their other halves to betray them so blatantly. But he missed her. _

_He made his way out across the patio but the figure if Kirsten at her bedroom door stopped him in his tracks, "Hey," she said softly as she gave an awkward wave. Ryan waved back feeling just as foolish. He waited for Sandy to appear behind her dressed in his dressing gown still lovesick from their earlier acrobatics but he didn't appear._

"_Sandy?" he asked simply._

"_Drunk. Passed out. Dead to the world." She said laughing as she glanced back at his sprawled out figure on the bed. Light curled strands of blonde framed her face and her own white towelled dressing gown was gaping open to reveal a small black top and pink pyjama pants. Ryan nodded, his eyes scanning her petite figure. "I've been missing you." She said even more softly. Ryan blushed but smiled awkwardly._

"_Me too." He answered. Kirsten made her way across the decking, stopping when she got to a foot in front of him. She reached for his hand and pulled him toward her. _

"_I've been really missing you." She said purring more with each word. She pulled his face down slowly and kissed him square on the lips. He leaned in further trying to deepen the kiss but she pulled away ever so slightly, teasing him. She was playing up to his frustration. He pushed her dressing gown to the ground and placed his hands on her hips pulling her close. He lifted her leg and coiled it around his own wanting to be closer but the sudden realisation that they were in the middle of the patio in full view of Sandy and perhaps Seth of he felt the urge for a midnight snack forced them to part. Kirsten stared longingly at the pool house but Ryan was sick of being stuck in there. He needed something more. He led her wordlessly away from the pool and down driveway in the direction of the tiny bay near their house. It was a small sliver of sand and the open ocean with a few sailboats dotted around. Kirsten smiled letting him lead her down the dusty path passed the old Cooper house to the sand. _

_Ryan leaned back against the rocks and Kirsten mimicked his actions against his chest. She sat between his legs with her back to him facing the sea. She sighed as he ran his fingertips up and down her arms. "This is nice," she said staring up at the jewelled sky. He didn't reply. Instead he kissed the top of her head and watched the waves creep closer and closer as the tide came in slowly. Suddenly Kirsten shifted her body to face him. She kissed him again achingly slowly. Ryan tried to up the pace and placed his hands on the back of her head pushing her closer but she resisted. She pulled back and readjusted her legs so she was straddling his lap. There was something different about her actions this time. It was hungry and urgent. It was slow and gentle. She didn't immediately rush to his shorts. Instead she lightly grazed her nails across her bare chest taking him in. Tasting him, inhaling is scent. _Feeling t_he way his cal_loused fingers made her tingle and storing them all away in her mind making sure she'd never forget.

That was the very first night they made love. The rocks were jagging into her back and the icy cold water was nipping at Ryan's toes but neither complained nor rushed it. He sighed at the memory. He could still taste Marissa on his tongue and on his lips. Her perfume clung to his skin and there were still marks on his back from where she'd raked her perfectly manicured nails along it in ecstasy. He felt sick with guilt and yet he couldn't shift the excitement in the pit of his stomach. It was getting closer. The day was nearing.

Three weeks.

She'd come home.

She'd be back.

He missed her and would continue to until she returned.

Three weeks. 

**Please Review. No flaming. Constructive criticism welcomed.**

**NB I realise that this is weird pairing but the fact that i'm creeping all you guys out is awesome just so you all know that lol!**


	5. Lying

**Haven't updated in ages I'm sorry but I'm gunna do Apple of my Eye next so look out for it.**

**It's late and I have nothing more to say so enjoy and please review.**

Chapter 5

Ryan watched the screen as Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader battled it out. Seth was yapping in his ear about Summer. Whether it be the girl or the season he neither knew nor cared. He nodded absentmindedly and agreed when he sensed there was a long pause before turning his attention back to the screen. His gaze wandered to the kitchen where Sandy was perched on a stool the phone glued to his ear.

He didn't look happy.

Ryan watched as he protested with whoever was on the other line and got to his feet. He paced the kitchen and waved his arms obviously trying to make a point. Suddenly he stopped defeated and the phone dropped from his ear. He turned to the boys in the den and sighed. "Hey guys I gotta talk to you."

Ryan wanted to cry. He wanted to pout and moan but he couldn't. He simply nodded and made his way out to the pool house. "What did he mean altercations?" He sighed and took a seat in one of the wicker chairs by the door of the pool house.

Five weeks.

Thirty-five days.

Eight hundred and forty hours.

Fifty thousand four hundred minutes.

They had extended her stay. Or at least that's how Sandy worded it. Kirsten had called with the bad news and tried to break it as gently as she could. Normally they would have taken it well knowing that whatever she needed they'd support but they missed her too much. It was becoming apparent that the Cohens weren't the Cohens without the Kirsten.

_Ryan watched as Seth left the pool house and sighed in relief. He just wanted to be alone. Granted he hadn't exactly been blessed with company the past few days but the last few hours had certainly taken their toll on him. He was right about Oliver. He was a nutcase and it had taken a potentially dangerous and life threatening situation to make them believe him. _

_Maybe he really was still the street thug from Chino who wasn't to be taken seriously._

_His thoughts were interrupted by a small figure making its way across the patio. Ryan smiled realising that some more company could be welcomed. Kirsten pulled the doors open and climbed into the darkened pool house. Ryan fixed his eyes closed pretending he was asleep. He heard the rustle of fabric falling to the floor as the mattress dipped at the end. She crawled along his body and settled her length on top of him. She kissed his square on the lips and he opened his eyes, "Hey you," she whispered smiling sadly. Ryan placed his hands on her hips, the cotton of her shorts soft to the touch. Ryan pulled her closer to him by placing her between his legs and bringing her closer to his face. He could taste the liquor on her lips but he knew she's had some drinks with Sandy that night and pushed it to the back of his mind. "You okay?" she asked delicately. She balanced her chin on his chest and watched him intently. Ryan nodded and kissed her forehead._

"_I'm fine."_

"_I'm sorry I didn't believe you." She said softly remembering his expression when she told him he was being ridiculous. _

"_It's fine. I'm just… I was surprised you didn't believe me. I mean… you even stopped coming to see me." he replied remembering the past week he'd spent alone in the pool house knowing only she and he were home._

"_Well you were grounded. You had to learn." She said putting on her most authoritative voice. She laughed softly. "To be honest with you it wasn't because I thought you were being ridiculous. I was… well you were going on about Marissa and worrying all the time I guess I didn't think you'd wanna see me. I guess I was… well jealous." Ryan stared at her in shock. All this time they'd kept their relationship physical. No words or feeling were ever exchanged that could possibly change their real relationships but Kirsten had crossed the barrier. She was actually jealous of Marissa._

"_You were? Jealous? Of me and Marissa?" he said incredulously. Kirsten nodded sheepishly. Ryan frowned, "So it's not okay for me to worry about my girlfriend but you and Sandy giving a floorshow in the mornings is allowed?" his face was serious and Kirsten couldn't tell if he was kidding or not._

"_We're… we're not that bad." She said quietly obviously embarrassed. Ryan's frown grew deeper._

"_That's what people call foreplay. And in front of Seth. That's called child abuse." Ryan suddenly smiled and Kirsten stared open mouthed still trying to figure out a response. Ryan couldn't deny that Kirsten and Sandy's harmless flirting didn't get to him but he would simply leave the room knowing that it was his turn next._

_Kirsten sighed softly, her head settled on his chest. Her hair smelled like peaches and he breathed it in longingly. She always smelled good. Always fresh. Not like Marissa who always stank of expensive French perfume. Kirsten's breathing grew heavier and he realised she had fallen asleep. It was new to them. Usually she'd leave before either had a chance to fall asleep but they hadn't even had sex yet and there she was dozing on his chest. Her left hand clung to his and her right was by her face. He laughed a gentle snore came from her seemingly angelic figure. His laughter shook his body and Kirsten's head jerked up in surprise. She turned to Ryan, "I fell asleep?" she asked softly. Ryan nodded. Kirsten made to get up from the bed but Ryan held her to him, "Ryan I can't fall asleep here. What if I sleep in and Seth finds us?" She pushed his hands away and climbed off the bed picking up her dressing gown on the way to the door._

"_I want you to stay." He said softly. Kirsten turned back to his, her hair tousled around her face._

"_I hate leaving you."_

"_So stay. If Seth walks in we can say you came into check on me and we got to talking and we must've fallen asleep." Kirsten hovered on the spot as if deliberating his offer, "I'll set the alarm." He continued reaching for the clock. Kirsten sighed smiling._

"_You're so sweet." Ryan climbed out of bed and went to her. She fell into his embrace and sighed breathing in his scent. He smelled like outside. She knew that didn't make any sense but he always reminded her of when her sister was young and would go out to play. She would always come back smelling of something Kirsten had simply called outside. That was Ryan's smell. _

_He led her over to the bed and laid her down. She pulled him down onto of her and placed kisses along his jaw line to his ear where she tugged at his earlobe with her teeth but Ryan pulled away and lay next to her. "I just wanna lie with you." He whispered. Kirsten grinned eyebrows raised and nodded. _

"_Okay. Let's lie."_

Ryan sighed. He was back where he started.

Five weeks.

Thirty-five days.

Eight hundred and forty hours.

Fifty thousand four hundred minutes.

He missed her.


	6. Playing Games

**It's been ages i've had what we artists like to call writers block! But it's a big update so i'm forgiven right?**

**Please review!**

Chapter 6

Seth spooned another mouthful of mushy cereal into his mouth as he watched his father throw his coffee down the drain. The uneasiness between them was evident. Ryan was segregating himself to the pool house for some reason and his father had suddenly stopped communicating with them both. He sighed and pushed his bowl away. He was missing his mom. He missed her fussing over him before a night out and the way she'd try to mother Ryan resulting only in a smirk and a sigh. He was missing her.

Ryan couldn't take it anymore. The silence was deafening. He piled his bow on top of Seth's and placed them in the sink. He turned to face Sandy who opened his mouth as if to say something but instead shook his head and looked away. Ryan was startled at Sandy's appearance. He'd been avoiding him so much recently that he hadn't really looked at him. It all seemed to be taking its toll. The Newport Group took up most of his time and the rest of it was spent trying to find out exactly how long Kirsten would be away for. His eyes were dark and his cheeks were sunken. His expensive suit hung languidly on his frail frame. Ryan hadn't seen him eat anything in days. He had never looked so old as he did in that moment. Ryan turned hurriedly and passed through the doors onto the patio thankful for the cool breeze coming off the ocean.

He walked over to the poolside in dipped his foot into the water the icy liquid numbing his toes almost instantly. He settled himself onto one of the chairs facing the sliding doors into Sandy and Kirsten's bedroom. He saw their bed sitting empty in the middle of the room.

_Ryan stared into the wide green eyes defiantly. Her hardened expression couldn't disguise her beauty. As much as Ryan hated to admit it Julie Cooper was one of the most beautiful women in Newport. He caught sight of Kirsten in her bedroom._

"_ONE of the most," he reminded himself._

_He turned his attention back to the woman in front of him._

"_Ooh what a surprise. Who'd ya beat up this time, Dr Kim?"_

_Ryan glanced at the bedroom across the patio at Kirsten as she grinned through the glass._

"_I guess you an Marissa haven't talked in a while."_

_She let the towel surrounding her tiny body fall to the floor_

"_Well as a matter of fact she'll be spending the weekend with me so…"_

"_She will?"_

_At his next glance she pulled the hair band from her hair letting her blonde tresses fall to her shoulders still smirking at his efforts to keep from attracting attention toward the doors. He wondered how long she had waited for him to appear. He could see her makeup was already done._

"_I guess you an Marissa haven't talked in a while." Julie shot back smiling amused. Ryan took a seat as Kirsten disappeared from view._

"_Look I know you and I haven't always agreed when it comes to Marissa...but I'm asking you please keep her away from this kid Oliver, he's not well."_

"_Really...the boy who lives in the pool house is warning me about the boy who lives in the penthouse?"_

_Suddenly Sandy appeared at the doorway handing Kirsten a cup of coffee. That explained the sudden halt to her floorshow._

"_He's got this thing that he does, he locks into a girl thinks she's gonna make everything ok an when she cant he loses it."_

"_I am not getting involved in the thrills of teenage romance thank you." _

"He cut his wrists last year because of a girl, last month when his girlfriend Natalie broke up with him he got busted for trying to buy cocaine...its true you can ask Marissa."

_Just as he finished Kirsten emerged from the bedroom, "Julie, are you ready?" She threw him a sly look and smiled obviously pleased with the effects of her game._

He nodded silently as Sandy passed him heading across to his bedroom. Ryan was pleased to see he had a bagel in one hand and a coffee in the other. He couldn't believe Sandy's dependence on Kirsten. As much as it pained him to admit he knew that Kirsten wouldn't be able to go on without Sandy. But Sandy always seemed like the strong one. It wasn't like she was never coming back. Unless she was the one who decided she wasn't coming home and not the doctors. Sandy settled himself at the table and flipped open his laptop as Ryan continued to stare into space. They were all ghosts.

_Seth climbed the stairs to find Summer, his soggy letter still clutched in his hand. Ryan found the caterers still packing things away in the foyer. Neither Sandy nor Kirsten were anywhere to be seen. He passed through the kitchen as the last person left. The garden was back to the way it usually was. It was as though nothing had happened there that night. No Man of The Year party. No fist fights with angry goateed mechanics. He sighed and climbed the stairs to his pool house when a sudden movement caught his eye. He turned slowly his eyes scanning the patio but there was nothing there. His head still pounded and his eye throbbed. He pulled his exhausted body up the stairs and placed his hand on the handle to the pool house when he heard a soft giggle coming from the bedroom on the other side of the pool. He turned to find Sandy with Kirsten in his arms. Ryan frowned and turned away but Kirsten giggled again and Ryan looked back. Sandy had hoisted her off of her feet pulling her legs around his waist. _

_Ryan couldn't watch anymore. He could handle their flirtation at the breakfast table and he could even get passed them making out around the house. He'd simply dip his head and pass them by but the dull ache in the pit of his stomach was undeniable, as Seth would say. He shrugged off his shirt and placed his hand on his stomach. He grimaced as he remembered the pizza he had eaten earlier. He kicked off his shoes and closed the blinds starting with the windows facing into her bedroom but as he glanced up again he saw that the curtains were drawn. _

_An hour later and Ryan had gone through his entire math textbook and he still hadn't fallen asleep. Thoughts of Kirsten continued to invade his mind. He hadn't really seen her since the night Oliver almost shot himself. Kirsten was preoccupied with work something to do with her dad and he was busy fussing over Theresa. He gave up and swung his legs out of bed. He crossed the patio passed the still drawn curtains and into the kitchen. He went immediately to the fridge and scanned the contents. _

_He wondered if they were sleeping now or perhaps they were onto round two. He shook that from his thoughts and grabbed some ingredients for his sandwich. _

_He placed to slices of bread on the counter and spread butter thickly across it. He wondered if Kirsten was the same with Sandy as she was with him. Did she look at him the same way? Did she sound the same? Who did she prefer?_

_He cut the bread diagonally and observed his masterpiece before piling the ingredients back into the fridge. He sat at the table and took a bite his mind still wandering, mostly to Kirsten. Just as he went to take a second bite a shadow fell at the doorway. _

"_You're up late," Ryan said through a mouthful. Sandy grinned._

"_Yeah I can't sleep." Ryan nodded as Sandy held out the coffee pot asking if he wanted some. Ryan nodded and swallowed his mouthful. He placed the sandwich onto the plate and joined Sandy at the island, "So how's Theresa?" he asked delicately. Ryan sighed._

"_Gone. She took off after the party." Sandy nodded lightly._

"_Well at least she has the option of going back to school." He answered trying to put a better spin on the situation. Ryan didn't answer. He eyed the red marks on Sandy's neck and his chapped lips. Sandy noticed his disappointment, "Aww Ryan come on. It's for the best you know that. I said it before you were in over your head. At least she had the sense to go back home."_

"_If she went back home." He answered reasonably._

"_Well she doesn't have anywhere else to go." Sandy countered. Ryan nodded and took his place back at the table. They both sat in silence as they drank their coffee before Sandy got to his feet, "I'm gunna go to bed. And you should too. I'll see ya in the morning."_

"_Night Sandy." He said softly. Ryan wondered where in his conscience was he allowed to have such a deep conversation with a man when he was fucking his wife. _

_Ryan washed his plate and decided to try and sleep again after taking some aspirin for his headache. It seemed that Eddie had done more damage than he had realised. By the time Ryan had settled himself under his sheets there was a shadow at the door and Seth entered. "Dude sorry but do you have any condoms?"_

Ryan got up from the chair and retreated to his pool house. He had started to store food and coffee in the small kitchen at the back. He barely had to leave the place now. He couldn't stand the look in Sandy's eyes as he mentioned that yet again Kirsten refused to come home. He didn't know what would happen when she did finally come home. What would change? Would she be different? Maybe she would wanna try the mom thing with him. He laughed at that thought. Yeah she had done a good job there.

_Ryan blinked back the slat of sunlight slicing through the room. He could sense someone else in the room. Probably Seth watching him sleep again. He used to think it was creepy that Seth would wait for Ryan to wake up but eventually grew used to it. "So the condoms came in useful?" Ryan asked without opening his eyes. _

"_Excuse me?" a light voice came from his right. Ryan turned quickly to find Kirsten settled on the empty side of his bed. Ryan sat up and rubbed his eyes._

"_Sorry thought you were Seth," he said stifling a yawn. Kirsten opened her mouth appalled._

"_You gave Seth condoms?" she said in a high-pitched tone. Ryan couldn't help but laugh._

"_Would you prefer I didn't and he caught syphilis?" Kirsten still shocked that her son was having sex stared at Ryan for another second before changing the subject._

"_How are you? Sandy told me Theresa left." Ryan's mind was suddenly flooded with last night's events._

"_Oh yeah uh I'm fine. It's for the best." Kirsten looked away and toyed with the blankets beneath her._

"_So you and her… you were together?" she asked almost inaudibly. Ryan closed his eyes and sighed as he realised she was jealous. Again._

"_Briefly." He said after a moment. Kirsten got to her feet and made her way around the bed._

"_Okay." She said as she reached for the doorknob._

"_Kirsten? Why are you doing this?" he said frowning. Kirsten turned on her heel._

"_So how many girls has that been, Ryan?" she said calmly, "A week after you and Marissa break up you jump into bed with Theresa?" _

"_Who said that I jumped into bed with her?" he said climbing out of bed._

"_Where were you yesterday morning? The library? Well that's what Seth told us. I'm not stupid Ryan. I know you spent the night with her." Ryan stood in silence for a second trying to comprehend her words._

"_I can't believe your upset about this. After you spent the entire night in bed with Sandy and didn't bother closing the doors so I couldn't hear you." Kirsten threw her hands into the air._

"_WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I DID THAT?" she walked over to him till she was a few feet away, "I was upset. You were out with some girl and you didn't even try to hide it from me. Having her over for dinner. Reminiscing about your past. Giving her little looks when I'm sitting right in front of you. I know I'm not… we're not together… really and I know that you have girlfriends but do you have to be so blatant about it?"_

"_Blatant? You've got some nerve. You and Sandy are all over each other all the time."_

"_When was the last time you saw Sandy and I kissing? You know it's not as bad as before. He's my husband Ryan I can't stop all contact with him but…" she stopped and shook her head, "Forget it. Maybe this is just too hard. I can't feel like this, Ryan. I can't do it all the time. You and Marissa or Theresa… whoever. I can't I hate it."_

_Ryan reached out and pulled her toward him. She resisted at first but eventually fell into his arms. "We have to end this," she whispered sadly. Ryan swooped down and kissed her softly._

"_Okay," he said and kissed her again. He led her over to the bed and asked, "Sandy?"_

"_Work."_

"_Seth?"_

"_Summer." She answered grinning as she pulled off her robe._

"_Last time?"_

"_Definitely."_

Ryan sighed and watched as Seth washed his own bowl in the sink. Yeah Kirsten Cohen was the perfect mother figure.

**R&R**


	7. desperation

**Hope you like**

Chapter 7

Ryan groaned. The sunlight slicing through the room crossed his face and blinded him as he opened his eyes. He rolled over and checked his alarm clock.

Shit.

He'd slept in. He was supposed to be meeting Marissa ten minutes ago for breakfast. It wasn't till he flipped open his phone that he noticed something at the poolside.

_As Seth suggested outrageous names he pretended to act annoyed but really he was appreciative of his lame attempts to cheer him up. He saw Theresa approaching them and he held his breath waiting for the verdict. She remained silent for a second before she threw herself into his arms, "I'm so sorry, Ryan,"_

_The three of them entered the kitchen to find Sandy and Kirsten in knots with one another. Ryan averted his eyes for the first time not jealous of the man with Kirsten in his arms. Kirsten shot an apologetic glance at Ryan before asking suddenly, "Is everything okay?" Seth muttered a response before Theresa could announce._

"_I'm pregnant."_

_Ryan slid into the passenger seat just as Kirsten turned the ignition. "I'm coming with you," he said firmly. Kirsten sighed and reversed out of the driveway._

"_What do you want, Ryan?" she asked wearily._

"_To talk to you away from everyone else. Every time I get near you Theresa or Sandy or Seth or… whoever shows up!" He said loudly in frustration. _

"_Well that's what happens when you let pregnant girlfriends stay in the pool house," she shot back angrily. There was an uneasy pause before she continued quietly, "How could you be stupid? It's bad enough you're sleeping with her after two days but to be so…STUPID! Why didn't you use something?" Kirsten gripped the steering wheel tightly to stop herself from smacking him. _

"_I'm sorry. I… I don't know why I mean we used to… all the time and not use anything and it was fine." Ryan stopped realising how stupid he sounded. Kirsten sighed and stopped at the red light, "Where are we going?" he asked not knowing where they were headed._

"_To get dinner. Thai." She explained._

"_Kirsten?" He said softly, "Kirsten, I'm scared. I don't know how to do this. I mean a baby?"_

"_Theresa told you she didn't want to go through with it didn't she?" Kirsten asked sighing, "You don't have to worry. It'll be fine. You just have to be there for her okay?" Ryan nodded silently. Kirsten pressed the brake lightly as she pulled up outside the restaurant. Ryan unbuckled his seatbelt and opened his door but Kirsten placed a hand on his arm, "Stay here." She didn't want them to start fighting in the middle of a restaurant._

_Ryan laid his head back onto the seat and closed his eyes. He hated himself. For everything. For betraying Sandy. Seth. Marissa. Now he had betrayed Kirsten. He didn't think he could face letting down his kid. And if Theresa were to go through with the pregnancy he knew he would let them down. All of them. It was a certainty. He was relieved to hear her words explaining that she couldn't have the baby._

_The baby._

_Her baby._

_His baby?_

_He didn't even know if it was his. It could be Eddies. Fuck it WAS Eddies. There was only one occasion since she came back that they'd slept together with no protection. And she'd been fucking Eddie for how long? How could she be putting this on him now? Finally he'd broke away and was having a life. Going to school. Getting good grades. Having a family. Fighting over the girl next door. Saving the girl next door. Talking crazy guys out of blowing him self away. Saving the girl next door. Fucking his foster mother. Saving the girl next door._

_Okay it wasn't exactly plain sailing but it was a far cry better than his old life. Drugs. Alcohol. His mother's boyfriends kicking the shit out of him when he wouldn't let them climb into his bed at night. He didn't want to leave the Cohen's. But he we would have to unless she actually has the abortion which he knows she won't. He could see the fear in her eyes. She doesn't want the abortion anymore than Ryan wants this baby. His thoughts were interrupted by the car door slamming and three bags of Thai being thrust into his lap._

"_You were ages in there."_

"_Yeah it's busy," she explained. She reached across and took his hand, "You're gunna be okay. Whatever happens. You'll be fine. We're here for you okay?"_

_Ryan nodded, "I know. But what about us? What'll happen?"_

Ryan swung his legs out of bed and got to his feet. His stood motionless for a second taking in the vision outside his door. He shook his head in disbelief. Was he still asleep? He finally reached the door he knew he was awake. He was faced with two large pools of blue. "Hello stranger."

_Ryan made his way through an excruciating dinner before retiring to the pool house. She wasn't going through with it. He was so fucking angry. How could she be so selfish? This was his decision too. He was part of this and she had gone ahead and made her mind up about the whole thing. Now he had to go back. It was a fucking hole. He was going to be living with Theresa's mother as well. Good job living with a woman who hates you for ruing her Christian daughters life. There was a knock at the door. _

_Theresa._

_He forgot this was her pool house now. He was demoted to Seth's bedroom floor for her. He tried to hide the hurt and hatred in his eyes but he knew she saw it. "You okay?" she asked._

"_I'm fine." He answered solemnly before departing to Seth's room._

_He lay awake the entire night thinking about his future. His life with Theresa. He never really gave his future a thought before he came to live with the Cohens. He figured if he made it to the end of the day he was doing pretty good. Living withy the Cohens he had to think about his future. They were always asking him about college and job opportunities. He tried to act nonchalant and uninterested in the entire topic but secretly he was excited. Maybe he'd try for a scholarship. Hell if he could become an apprentice somewhere he'd be happy. Now everything was in the gutter. His entire future, all his plans ripped to shreds. And for what? To make Kirsten jealous? For a night with a girl he didn't give a shit about?_

_The next day would be hell. Marissa and Kirsten at the wedding. Both silently pleading with him to stay. Well Marissa maybe not so silently. He'd have to steal a moment with Kirsten before he left. He couldn't go without saying goodbye. His stomach gave a sudden jolt as he finally came to realise that it really would be goodbye. It would be goodbye forever. There was no more._

"Wh… what… how?" he stuttered as she placed her hands on his chest and pushed him gently back into the pool house.

"I'm all better. Actually it was my idea to stay a bit longer but Sandy's voice on the phone… I felt guilty. So here I am." She said softly still leading his slowly backwards toward his dishevelled bed.

"Does Sandy know you're here?" he asked quickly. Kirsten grinned and shook her head.

"He's passed out in his office." Ryan frowned. He knew how much Sandy had missed her. Kirsten noticed his body tensing in worry, "Look I know he's worried but he's asleep and I know he hasn't been sleeping. What harm can it do if we steal an hour to catch up?" Before he could answer she captured his lips with her own. He relaxed and let his hands explore her new more voluptuous body. Her hips were curved and her ass was more rounded than before. He pulled away and noticed her face was fuller and her cheeks were rosy. He grinned and ran his hands through her hair. It was shinier than he remembered and her chest felt more cushioned than before. Her breath no longer had the tell tale sting of alcohol and her eyes were alive with adrenaline. He had grown so accustomed to her frail and bony form that he was shocked to find her shoving him forcefully back onto the bed.

_Ryan looked at Sandy in utter desperation. His voice was reassuring and supportive but his eyes were screaming for help. He needed Sandy to tell him to stay. That he wasn't allowed to go. He was his guardian he could save him again. He could stop this. He knew it was unfair to expect him to save him again but he really needed it. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave them. They were his family. Ryan got to his feet quickly before his thoughts managed to slip out. Just as Sandy got to his feet Kirsten appeared at his door. "Just wanted to say to goodbye," she said softly as Sandy passed her at the doorway. He knew they needed time alone. Kirsten closed the door behind her, "To think I didn't want you here at first," she laughed sadly. A few tears made their way down her face and onto her shirt. _

"_I don't wanna leave Kirsten. I wanna stay with you." He allowed his thoughts to spill out. Kirsten made her way toward him and wrapped her arms around him._

"_Don't go." She whispered clinging to him desperately, "Please don't go." She reached up and kissed him softly He pulled her closer trying to soak up every ounce of her. He didn't ever want to let her go._

"_I have to go." He said softly. Tears flooded her eyes as she held on tighter," I have to. I'm sorry." _

Ryan panted trying to catch his breath as Kirsten rested her head on his shoulder. She was till on his lap with her jeans at her ankles and her shirt ripped open. "You have no idea how much I needed that." She whispered between breaths.

**R&R**


End file.
